Wednesday, October 1, 2008

I'm not a worthless turd.


I really don't know how to start out this post. It seems like I'm sitting down to write some corny love letter, when in reality, that's not what this is at all...

I love, absolutely, LOVE being married. There hasn't been a day that's gone by that I wished I wasn't married. It's so rewarding, wonderful, and amazing. I think that's why I'm no excited for these 4 girls I know (Paige, Teri, Sarah, and Melissa) for getting engaged. All of them in the past 2 weeks and one of them I'm not even on good terms with and haven't been for a couple years now but I know how excited they are and how much they're going to love being married!
While I was thinking about Teri getting married soon I caught myself thinking "She's so young!". Ha. Open mouth insert foot... So much for that. I remember being a senior and finding out that one of my friends was getting married that had graduated in 05 and I thought "How stupid, he can't even drink wine at his own reception!" Then I turn around and get married at the same age! It's just funny how when you know, you know and theirs no since in prolonging it!

The past couple months have had it's normal, married, ups and downs. It was so annoying. Paul wouldn't say the exact right thing and I would take it so offensive. Or someone would say something to criticise and from that point on until I got home I would rip myself apart by thinking of how I'm not a good wife, I do all these things wrong and I'm so worthless and Paul would get upset because I thought of myself that way but it didn't matter to me.. And it was a spiral down from there. So ridiculous.

BUT

Last Saturday we were able to go to the temple. It was so amazing. I so love when something so amazing happens to Paul that he just talks and talks and talks because he's not really a ''sharer of feelings'' for a some things so when he talks, I love to listen. Some really amazing moments happened while we were in the temple. I sat there in the session and it's like all my self worth was stuffed back into me. I was no longer a piece of trash on the side of the road but a daughter of Heavenly Father who loves me very, very much.

After we got out of the temple, regular life started back up and things that bothered me before just weren't anything because I KNOW who I am.

It's crazy how we, or I, can forget and just beat the crap out of ourselves sometimes. I wonder how that makes Heavenly Father feel? It's the same thing with Paul. I know he loves me endlessly but sometimes if I'm not reminded and I get upset, it adds to the list of why I'm not good enough. But now, I'm working really, very hard to remember.

Paul loves me and I'm not a piece of junk. :)

4 comments:

Amy&Adrian McDonald said...

so you're not using your other blog anymore then? how's life?

mommy said...

you silly goose! I can't believe you let yourself feel like anything less than a wonderful, special, always loved daughter! but...I'm glad that you have special moments that remind you of who you really are...and especially if those moments happen while in the Temple. sort of like making a long distance phone call to your Father and just sitting very still while He pours out His love all over you. you'll have to keep remembering how that feels so you don't ever get lax about attending the temple!

you're an amazing daughter. I know it...and He knows it!
love you,
mom

Chelsea said...

you are such a good example to me, i wish i had the faith and the testimony that you have! i miss that, you get so far out of it, you wonder how to get back in! I love you, you are awesome!!

Sab and Dave said...

I love this post, becuase it lets me know other people feel what I do sometimes. You are so great, and I love that you shared something this personal. The temple is wonderful - so is sitting outside in the sunshine eating apples and peanut butter. :-)