Friday, September 10, 2010

Marlee's Montra

These past few months have been kind of a butt kicking for me. I don't always like being a stay at home mom. Sometimes, on particularly hard days, I wish more than anything that I could just go back to work. It was so much easier than being a mom is.
I remember telling people over and over again while I was pregnant and they were loading me with "advice" (grr) that I had several nieces and nephews. I had helped take care of them many, many times and I knew what I was doing. (Just not as snobby and straight forward as that just sounded.) I remember thinking in my head "I've pretty much experienced everything I need to in order to be an awesome mom". Now I realize that I was walking around with my foot in my mouth for about 9 months.
Being a mother is the hardest thing I've ever done. I find my self overwhelmed and under prepared constantly, it seems. How can an almost 7 month old over power me so much, and why can't I handle her?
I remember getting such a good feeling when we finally decided to start having kids, and now I find myself wondering if it was just heartburn. How could I have felt so comfortable taking on another life? How could I think I was prepared to care for one of Heavenly Father's children? How prideful I must have been.
I was in "breakdown mode", as I often find myself, talking to Paul (the most understanding, wonderful, patient, charming husband I could have ever asked for) and we decided that I'm just stretching myself way too thin. I'm trying to be "Super Mom" when I'm just a young inexperienced mom trying to put on a face. I know, with practice, patience and the love of my Heavenly Father, everything will turn out ok. I find myself trying to be in control constantly, and I really don't think that will ever happen again. I need my Heavenly Father's help more than ever before now. I need his guidance, love, and support more than ever.
I constantly feel like I'm walking a very thin line between my standards and the world. I thought once I was married for eternity with the love of my life, everything would be smooth sailing (not really, but kind of). And now, more than ever, I find myself questioning the things I do, the things I believe and the things I want to teach my sweet little girl. I'm finding myself really standing on my own two feet more than ever with my testimony of the gospel I live. I find myself daily questioning things I've been taught my whole live, and daily getting the answers I need.
Yesterday morning I was blog stocking and found this wonderful family that has been chosen for this huge trial. They had an 18 month old daughter who had an accident and ultimately passed away. I was reading these posts and just crying my eyes out. I've been so selfish and taken Abby for granted more than I ever should. I am so very blessed to have her in my life, and I really, honestly couldn't imagine waking up every day to her sweet smile.
I'm learning, and growing each day with her. She amazes me constantly with the things she knows, and I know that will never stop. I love her so unconditionally and even though I consider it at times when days are tough, I would never ever leave her side and go back to work.
Some days Abby cries for no particular reason at all, all day long. Some days are busy with many many things to do, and with the responsibilities of a mother all on top of it. I know that wont ever change, and so I'm still adapting.
I've adopted that wonderful Mother's montra of :
Although it doesn't even compare to the things she has to face, and I pray I never have to, it helps me in a different way. I can do hard things, and I will the rest of my life. My faith is growing stronger and so am I, because my Father in Heaven trusts me with these hard things knowing I will not ultimately fail.
How on earth do I find my strength? My faith, the two loves of my life, and these little glimpses of heaven I experience almost daily.


Donnie and Jennilee said...

oh marlee you can do it!! i think the best advice that you don't want to hear but i'll give is trying to find a balance of everything. i learn that same concept over and over again. but like you've already said, you are not at this alone and never will be!! love ya

Liz said...

I think you are doing great Marlee! I think every mom has those days when they have had just about all they can take. That's why dads are so necessary... They have to take over before we go insane! Haha

You said, "And now, more than ever, I find myself questioning the things I do, the things I believe and the things I want to teach my sweet little girl." - I totally agree... Once you have these precious little ones you really start the self examination and question every little thing you do. Am I setting a good example? Does this invite the spirit? Would I want my son (or daughter) saying or doing this? Am I providing an environment conducive to learning? Am I able to teach them about the sacred responsibility of the priesthood (or young women values) etc... Parenthood is a BIG calling... And I think you are doing a great job at it lady.

You have a beautiful, baby girl. You have a husband who is crazy about you and his daughter, and you have the Gospel... From the outside looking in, you've got it made! :)

Love you girlie... I'm always here to talk... And know that whatever it is that you are feeling, many have felt it before... You are NOT, nor ever will you be, alone. xoxoxo

Danielle said...

mahrls, if you can believe it, i was one of the people you said that too. i even told mike, i hope she knows how different it is when it's your own child.

you are seriously doing so great. i admire you so much, you are raising this sweet (and nuts-o) little girl and doing an awesome job. it can be so hard to be at home and be a mom and not lose yourself, and not second-guess every. single. flippin'. thing. that's another reason we need each other. I NEED YOU.


Anonymous said...

Of course your mom has to chime in with more advice!! First, let me say I think you are a wonderful mom. I think you and Chelsea and Heather all have the MOST important really LOVE your children. You want to be mothers. Deep in the core of who you are, you have a mother's heart. I've always said that about you.

So...the advice. Try to remind yourself, daily if need be, that there really are seasons of life. Now is not the time to "be on top of it all". Now is the time to focus on your family, your husband, your child, yourself. If the house is not spotless, well guess what? No one else's is. It is a very rare woman who really can "do it all" and stay sane. So don't try. You'll go through times when you feel like you really are in control, you really can handle everything, including kids. And then, maybe the very next day, you'll have an upset to your little apple cart...and you will have to regroup.

It's all good. I love the idea of doing one room per day, and making your bed and doing the dishes every day. If you can walk into a clean kitchen, you fell better. If that means using paper plates and cups for a it! Make life easier and calmer so that when Abby isn't cooperating you can handle that easier!

I love you, and I honestly do think you're doing a fantastic job! Relax. Enjoy. Love your family. You won't look back and remember how clean and organized your house was. You'll remember the laughing and playing and learning. will.

love you lots,

Josh and Lauren said...

Marlee you're so awesome. :) I love you girl!!!!

Katherine and Brad said...

you are so great. i love this post. you are a great mom. although it does make me a little nervous for what i have to look forward to. haha.

Sandee said...

So, totally, understand. So, totally, did the same thing! Still haven't figured out how to balance or what to cut. Still working on it, though. Keep up all your good work!! Love ya!